The Overwhelming Power of Doubt

Uh-Oh, I've been here before....

I've just realized something and I'm not sure what it is;

I've either lost my religion and found my faith or, I've lost my mind and found myself.

Who knew I was dreaming?

I didn't realize I was asleep until I started to wake up.

THE CRUMBLING FOUNDATION

The Bible says that you should build your faith on rock and not on sand. However, what happens when the rock that you thought you built upon suddenly turns to sand?

Organizations and institutions have failed us in almost every area. The foundational institutions and pillars of society that we have trusted have fallen; they have become the prey of their own lesser natures.

This is no more true than in the institutions of religion. 

"I'm giving up religion for Lent," I had jokingly remarked, after hearing about the rather extravagant home that the Archdiocese of Cincinnati recently acquired for the adjunct Archbishop of Cincinnati. They spent close to half a million dollars on a large house for a single man who lives under a vow of celibacy. I don't begrudge the man having a nice home - but given that his predecessor had lived for many years in a small three room apartment at a local campus, and that the Archdiocese simultaneously announced that it was having to close churches and cut ministry budgets because of the current economic conditions - it seemed like a very irresponsible decision. 

It was the last straw that tipped an already increasingly unbalanced scale. 

THE UNFAITHFUL BRIDE

I have lost my faith in the church as the medium for God in this world. The church, rather than being the haven and shelter of the downtrodden, is assuming not only the role of protector of God's elite and favored, but also the judge and jury of the world - rather than the means for its moral transformation. 

How could this happen to me when I was SO ENTHUSIASTIC and appeared to be so committed to the Catholic church a mere few months ago?

I wish there were an easy explanation - but there isn't.

I can only confess that I am a religious junkie - I find momentary joy in belonging to an institution that I believe promises hope and fulfillment - and after the novelty wears off and I begin to see that those who I thought were authority figures, turn into, at best case, blind guides, or, in worst case, raging hypocrites. Then I have to face the facts.

I deceived myself into believing that I could trust the Church and all its teachings - I REALLY WANTED to believe that I could give up doubting and seeking - because the church had covered all the bases. The Catechism had all the answers - Jesus was the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and the church that he began would keep me on the straight and narrow.

ORGANIZATIONAL PROBLEMS

The problem as always, with organizations that try to "preserve" the "original" teachings - is that the preservation becomes more important than the original intended meaning. Thus the preservation becomes a form of organized protection that seeks to "purify" itself at the expense of the truth. "Loving your enemies" becomes "convert or condemn them." "Count it all joy" becomes "wallow in your sorrows", and God's love goes from being a gift of grace to all, to the reward of only those who "deserve" it, and the promise of heaven on earth becomes the threat of eternal hell.

Another problem with religion is recorded history - the more I research the history of the church - the more I find evidence of it being an empire's instrument of domination, instead of a message of a movement of hope and freedom  for the dominated.

History also clearly reveals that the doctrines and dogmas of the Church, which are called the foundations of faith - are in fact "democratically" decided "opinions." It is a historical fact that there was no universally accepted view of the nature of Jesus (i.e. 100% human, 100% God, or both) until the 4th century (over 300 years after the earthly presence of Jesus) - it apparently was not that important before the Church got "ORGANIZED."  

Another problem with religion is reality - the observed way of the universe does not conform to the testimony of the "infallible" sources. When you have to make a choice between blind faith and visible reality - I have to go with visible reality; "walking by faith and not by sight," is bad advice when you can see quite clearly!! I've really TRIED to accept the Bible as inspired - but I can't see it that way anymore. Apart from certain sections, it just doesn't make sense!

OUT VERSUS IN

President Lyndon Johnson, when referring to a disagreeable alliance,  is reported as having said that he preferred to have this person "in the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in."!  Although I wouldn't perhaps use that crude reference - I have found that it is sometimes only possible to have valid criticisms when you can see things clearly from "inside the tent." This is why I've felt led to join so many religious groups - I cannot claim to fully understand them while I remain as an outside observer. Unfortunately, this usually means that I have to leave - as history has shown that odds are not good for the survival of the reformers!!

AUTHORITY RULES

I have a problem with authority being in the hands of those who abuse it. I'm not alone in this view, as many of my heroes - Jesus, Gandhi, Buddha, and others - all called a spade a spade when it came to the abuse and misuse of power.

So, I'm finished with suppressing my intelligence, and I can no longer practice behavioral hoop jumping of any form - no matter what religion or cult.

There is no path to God - either God is everywhere or He's nowhere. If God is omnipresent I don't have to go anywhere to find Him. I also don't have to believe that He's in the Eucharist any more or less than I believe that He's in my inmost being. If He's omniscient then I'm praying to myself because He's closer than any friend. If He knows my heart then He knows when I'm sorry and when I'm not - confession is for my benefit, and nothing else. If He tells us to love our enemies and to forgive them unconditionally - then I would be calling Him a hypocrite if I believed that He is not able to do the same.

Calling God  a Person seems to be an affront to the nature of God. It reduces God to something that we can control. I think that's another reason I keep turning in false hope to religions - I believe that through them I can control God - I can control REALITY... which is absurd!!

The book of Hebrews says that we must believe that God exists in order to find him - that's ridiculous - God's existence does not depend on our belief - that's only true of Santa Claus!!

We do not have to look for God - He's already here - we're the ones that believe we are lost. 

 

Of course, I could be wrong.......... but I'm afraid I doubt it.

(NOTE: image: "Crowd #43 - 1998" by Misha Gordin)