The Heart of the Shepherd

"The essential nucleus of Christianity is expressed in the Heart of Jesus: in Christ the whole of the revolutionary newness of the Gospel was revealed and given to us: the Love that saves us and already makes us live in God's eternity. Even our shortcomings, our limitations, and our weaknesses must lead us back to the Heart of Jesus. His divine Heart calls to our hearts, inviting us to come out of ourselves, to abandon our human certainties to trust in him and, following his example, to make of ourselves a gift of love without reserve."

- Pope Benedict XVI 

On the Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus

 THE GOOD SHEPHERD

 

"The Lord God says this: 

I am going to look after my flock myself 

and keep all of it in view. 

As a shepherd keeps all his flock in view 

when he stands up in the middle of his scattered sheep, 

so shall I keep my sheep in view. 

I shall rescue them 

from wherever they have been scattered 

during the mist 

and darkness. 

I shall bring them out of the countries where they are; 

I shall gather them together from foreign countries 

and bring them back to their own land. 

I shall pasture them on the mountains of Israel, 

in the ravines and in every inhabited place in the land. 

I shall feed them in good pasturage; 

the high mountains of Israel will be their grazing ground. 

There they will rest in good grazing ground; 

they will browse in rich pastures on the mountains of Israel. 

I myself will pasture my sheep, 

I myself 

will show them where to rest

–it is the Lord who speaks. 

I shall look for the lost one, 

bring back the stray, 

bandage the wounded 

and make the weak strong. 

I shall watch over the fat and healthy. 

I shall be a true shepherd to them.

- Ezekiel 34:11-16
(Jerusalem Bible) 

Back Home...again!!

"I am the woman at the well, 
I am the harlot
 
I am the scattered seed that fell 
along the path
 
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed

My God, my God 
why hast though accepted me
When all my love 
was vinegar to a thirsty King?

My God, my God 
why hast though accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, 
the song I sing


I am the angry man 
who came to stone the lover
 
I am the woman 
there ashamed before the crowd
 
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came
 

My God, my God 
why hast though accepted me
When all my love 
was vinegar to a thirsty King?

My God, my God 
why hast though accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, 
the song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son

My God, Lord you are
My God, my God, Lord you are"

- "Mystery of Mercy" by Caedmon's Call

On May 10th, 2010 - I wrote this in my personal journal:
 
"I tried to remove Christ from the Cross in order to bury him - but he arose and beckoned me rather to join him in new life" 


THE STRUGGLE OF FAITH

I have wrestled with God for most of my life - vacillating between complete Atheism and tear-filled prostrations before his "presence." I have tried to meet God through Religion, and outside of it through personal meditations, encounters with various Gurus and teachers of spiritual practices from the East, West and in-between. When I "became" a Christian I struggled with it more than I ever admitted - being everything from an ardent opponent to a somewhat fanatical Evangelical fundamentalist.

I embraced the Eastern Orthodox, and then ultimately the Roman Catholic faith a couple of years ago - only to reject it all after wrestling with the child abuse scandal and questioning the Magisterium that seemed to support it..... 

But the person of Christ is too real for me to ignore - the Church that he founded as his legacy, on the shoulders of Peter and the Apostles is too authentic to be rejected. 

THE UNFAITHFUL BRIDE


The Church, the bride of Christ, has been unfaithful many times. But, even with all of its flaws and mistakes - that are many, some very serious, the Church reflects the real world in which it exists. Like the world, it is sometimes so very hateful and cruel beyond measure - but underneath it all, is seen such overwhelming love and beauty it overcomes and seems to make it all worthwhile and ultimately deserving of the forgiveness and mercy of God. 

COMING HOME - AGAIN...


So, I stand at the door of the Church - like the returning son at the house of his father. Like the father - the Church has always been waiting - faithfully opening its arms for both the repentant and the resentful (like the two sons in the parable of Luke 15) - I have been both.


Like me, the Church falls short of its expectations - but there is strength in weakness that is honestly shared among many. Isn't that what the Christian life is really supposed to be; life in community as we wrestle with God in faith?

A Quiet Revolution

"A quiet revolution in spirituality is taking place. 

There is a growing sense that freedom cannot be found in philosophies, religions, ideologies; that it cannot be located in books, or reached through lifetimes of intense spiritual practice; that it cannot be passed on by enlightened or awakened spiritual masters; that it cannot be owned, cannot be taught, cannot be captured."

- Jeff Foster, Life Without A Centre

I had lunch with a good friend today and we talked about the struggles of letting go of belief, and the stages of thinking that we appear to go through as we learn to release ourselves from our self-willed prison of fear and superstition. My friend jokingly remarked that he struggles with letting go of the image of a "Big Sugar-Daddy in the sky," and we laughed about how strange it is that nothing actually changes when that belief is abandoned, but what is felt to be missing is a strongly held sense of security in being able to talk to this invisible friend during times of fear and uncertainty.

OVERCOMING BELIEF

I have written before about what I call the Hypersensitive Evangelical Disease. But, as I continue my process of recovery I keep reflecting on how bound up I was in the belief that life was a test - a kind of practice for the next life. 

What a terrible waste of the ever-present and wonderful gift of life this viewpoint caused. 

What unnecessary anxiety it created about the eternal "destiny" of friends and family members. 

If I believed in a literal Satan, getting people to accept this religious viewpoint, would have to be "his" greatest achievement!!

I have not lost my faith in God - as many people might think, if they read or hear my words at face value. I have lost nothing. In fact, it could be said that I have, in fact, gained everything. 

These days:

• I do not blindly believe in God as interpreted from the literalist viewpoint of the Bible and/or Christianity. 

• I do not choose to see God with any form - let alone that of a man, or woman.

• I have not "swapped" a "western" image of God, for an "eastern" image.

• I have not assigned God, and humanity, to specific places in the universe. No heaven, no hell. No "up there" or "down here."

• I do not feel the need to divide people into "saved" or "unsaved," "lost" or "found," "believers" or "unbelievers."

... and the result of all this, so far, is that I'm feeling more content in my "faith" than I ever felt before!!! 

I am beginning to see beyond belief. I am seeing that reality is far more beautiful than what I previously chose to believe about it.

Beyond belief there is nothing more wonderful than all that is right now - there is nothing else but what is right now! This is It. It's all that there ever is. 

The past is only a mental construction of memory, while the future is a wishful, (or hopeless) mental projection. Life only exists in this very present moment as NOW.

THE POETRY AND MUSIC OF LIFE

What I'm trying to express in words that serve merely as pointers, is that all these stories about life having an ultimate purpose are fables. Which is not to imply that life is meaningless in a negative sense, but on the contrary, that life is its own complete purpose. Like music or poetry,  life itself has no other meaning than that which it is given by the one doing it.

Having spent most of my adult life as a spiritual seeker - it is a tremendous joy to be able to drop it all and realize that there is nothing to seek beyond "this." There is nothing to "find" because what I seek has never been "lost."

Someone who has never been a spiritual seeker may not understand the anguish of those of us who have spent years researching and studying religion after religion - looking for a mysterious fulfillment that would make everything right. But, for those who have travelled that road - realizing that you are home, and have been all along is a wonderful release!

The mind, combined with the ego, always seeks something to affirm its own existence as a separate meaningful personality. 

What it seeks is an illusion of its own creation. Ironically, it seeks truth blindly, yet affirms to itself that it will recognize this truth when it sees it. Thus, the paradox of consciousness already possessing what it seeks to own. 

The path of seeking is an endless road. 

WAVE GOODBYE

We are like a wave that seeks desperately to know its unique existence. All the while, failing to realize that we are, and always have been, inseparable from the ocean that is life itself. As long as we, like the wave, maintain our view that we are separate and live a divided existence we will never come to rest in our true nature as ocean; as life itself.

This is the true meaning of awakening - it's not the gaining of a new belief. It is the full-on entrusting of ourselves to life itself, so that we merge back into that which has always been the case all along.

Life becomes all meaningful - nothing is wasted - nothing is purposeless. God becomes fully conscious of God and all life flows.

"There is nothing to know. 

Nothing to seek. 

Nothing to find. 

There is only the watching of this dance of life. 

No watcher. 

The mind is clear, empty space. 

The heart is connected to all that it sees. 

The within is the without."

- Scott Kiloby 

The Perfection of Practice

"If you wish to free yourself from the sufferings of birth and death you have endured since time without beginning and to attain without fail unsurpassed enlightenment in this lifetime, you must perceive the mystic truth that is originally inherent in all living beings."

- Nichiren Daishonin,

from "Attaining Buddhahood In This Lifetime," The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Vol. I

"This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

- Jesus,The Gospel according to St. John, Chapter 3:19-21

THE FAITH WITHIN

Is it really possible for one to free oneself, or to actually practice the truth? Whenever I hear promises or prophetic utterances like these by any ancient teacher, prophet, or founder of any religious affiliation, I, at first, feel full of hope and catch a glimmer of the possibility - I begin to have faith. But then as I try to pursue the practice that promises to enable me to "perceive", or "come to the light" (enlightenment) of the truth - the truth seems to move further away. It is a cat and mouse game that only results in a further sense of spiritual confusion and isolation from the "enlightenment" that promises peace and fulfillment.

What I am seeing, again and again, in all practices and belief systems is that the goal is really not somewhere out there - it is right here, within the very desire that drives me to seek for it.

In western spiritual terms; this already present condition of self-realization, or enlightenment, is referred to as "grace," - unmerited favor. In Biblical context it is given through faith - which is the gift. Thus the gift of faith produces grace which results in salvation, or fulfillment. In Buddhism it is the realization of the Buddhanature that is already present within all of us. In Christianity, it is the mind, or spirit of Christ, or the image of God, that dwells within us, no matter how tarnished or dark.

THE SAVIOR IN THE STONE

It is interesting how many Buddhists and Christians place so much emphasis on the personalities of the Buddha and Christ, yet what Buddha stressed, particularly in the teachings of the latter years of his life; The Lotus Sutra, in particular, is that he did not gain enlightenment. He perceived within himself the already existing nature of enlightenment and then dropped all clinging to everything that prevented the manifestation of it. Likewise, Jesus, according to the book of Hebrews (Chap. 5, Verse 9) "He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation." A good analogy that illustrates this process is that of a sculptor who does not create a form from a block of stone, but merely removes everything that prevents the form from being seen. The form is already in the stone - it just needs to be released.

TRUE ENTRUSTING

All forms of salvation - whether they relate to restoration of a fallen nature, or the realization of compassionate wisdom, or freedom from suffering - are not achieved through some effort in achieving a condition that can be added to our existence, but rather a dropping of all elements of our consciousness that prevent us from knowing that we are already "saved." There is the clue to the ultimate mystery - we look for salvation or enlightenment because we are already aware of it; else how would we recognize it when we see it? So, rather than grasping at attainment - seek to let go and trust the universe, or God to unfold itself/himself to you.

*Picture: The great Buddha statue in Nha Trang, Vietnam

Effortless Meditation

Last night I went to a meeting at a local Methodist Church. An informal gathering of people who share an interest in seeking truth, or self-realization.

"We usually start meditating at 20 after. We meditate for 20 minutes, then we talk for 45 minutes.  Sometimes we talk about a book that we're all reading, or sometimes we talk about our experiences. Nothing is really formal. Then we meditate for 5 minutes and walk to a local restaurant for a nice dinner." -said M, one of the founders of the Effortless Meditation Group, as he explained the format of the group.

There were five of us in the room - sitting in a circle. I was the "new guy," so I got to share about my spiritual journey. I felt at first as if I were being tested to see if I "fit-in" with the rest of the group - but I soon realized that they were actually interested in hearing about my experiences and the process that had led me to come to their low profile group.

As it turns out; most of the existing group members had a similar life story to mine, at least in significant places. We had all experimented with states of consciousness, with various religious practices, various "gurus" and read a huge variety of books on the subjects of enlightenment, awakening, spiritual truth and religion. Yet here we all were - admitting to ourselves that the "truths" that we read about, or had attempted to experience, all fell short of the deeply ingrained pre-cognition that we all seemed to share; the intuitive understanding that the "real scoop," the "full monty" of reality was right here, right now, happening in front of us, and that the obstacle that was keeping us from seeing it, or experiencing it, was our own learned belief that somehow we could arrive at a stage of reality that would bring happiness and joy, as if it were a destination, different from our current location.

As we shared our thoughts we found comfort amongst ourselves that because we shared this obsession with seeking spiritual reality, we had proof that we were not insane. Although, there may be enough evidence from observing some of the strange customs and religious beliefs that exist in the world, that insanity can be a shared experience!

"We virtually closed this group because we'd had a lot of people come and go over the years (15 years), they came in as seekers, but it became apparent that they were looking for some kind of belief system that they could belong to, or some kind of religion that they could join so that they could try and control their reality through it."

"We're all about 'letting go' of beliefs and trying to control others. We want to see things as they are without judging and experiencing all the anguish and suffering that goes along with trying to make the world fit our interpretation."

It was a good feeling to be around people who didn't have "snappy" answers, or a list of doctrinal statements to quote from memory to support their opinions.

The meditation that we practiced in the group was not forced. It was not based on a particular "style." The goal was not achieving something or a so-called "higher" state of consciousness. It was about being comfortable, not only in posture, but in our own skin. We did not try to show how spiritual we were by how we dressed, sat or by what we knew about the different schools of Meditation. We just sat and let the thoughts go by - "getting around our minds," as I'd call it.

All of us in the group had read a lot about Advaita (Non-Duality), or "Oneness consciousness" but none of us claimed to have "arrived" at that level of consciousness - for to do so is actually to reveal that you really haven't achieved it - for Advaita implies that there is no place to go in our awareness of consciousness than right here in this moment. To claim to be there is to acknowledge that you're not!!! However, I think it's fair to say that each of us had experienced at least a "glimpse" of what "Oneness" looks and feels like - hence the seeking that we all did in trying to get back to it!! Obviously though, the "glimpse" was purely an act of universal grace, for there was very little effort, if any, for us to have received it.

I'm hopeful that my experiences with this group will continue. Not in the sense of satisfying my seeking mind - but in the sense of sharing the view as we go back to where we already are, together.

"To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,

    You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.

In order to arrive at what you do not know

    You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.

In order to possess what you do not possess

    You must go by the way of dispossession.

In order to arrive at what you are not

    You must go through the way in which you are not.

And what you do not know is the only thing you know

And what you own is what you do not own

And where you are is where you are not."

- from: T.S. Elliot, "The Four Quartets"

Losing and Finding

"Poor human reason, when it trusts in itself, substitutes the strangest absurdities for the highest divine concepts."

- St. John Chrysostom

In shallow loss there can be deep finding....

Somewhere deep in my DNA there must be a gene that causes me to constantly lose or misplace things. By nature I'm untidy but generally well-organized; as a rule, I know where things are by category.

However, once in a while, at a totally inappropriate time, I'll find that I've misplaced something and become outrageously unglued at my inability to locate it.

It's during times like this that I'm about to discover deeper truths about myself.

Last night I lost one of my favorite pens - not particularly expensive or rare - but one of those comfortable pens that are easy to use and that write well. My failed attempt to find it drove me into a totally unrealistic and overblown funk that shocked me, quite frankly, and made me very self-aware, as if I were looking down from a detached higher level of existence.

I saw in myself, vividly, the deep desire to control reality according to my convenience. Pens and other possessions are not supposed to be where you leave them but where you want them to be - calling out the hypocrisy of my own words when I've said things like: "Truth is not what we want, it's what is.....," and "Truth is not a choice, it's just the way things are....," and all other variations on that theme. Pens, like other things, including truth, do not obey my rules about where they're SUPPOSED to be.

THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH

If anyone out there has been following this blog for more than a few posts - they'll observe that I've gone through significant bouts of doubt - culminating in what I called the abandoning of belief. In short, you could say that I misplaced or lost my faith in Christianity. I became disillusioned with the Eastern Orthodox faith that I had so joyfully embraced. I joked with friends that I was seeking a divorce from the "Bride of Christ!"

Well, recently, I've come to regret those words and find myself, like the Lost Son of the famous parable, standing at a distance, seeking to "come home." ...... Well.....almost.

The home that I'm returning to, however, is not at the same address.

I can't believe that I'm saying this - but I've begun attending Catholic Mass regularly and feeling at home!!!

OVERCOMING "ROMAPHOBIA"

Being a former Protestant, and always having understood Christianity from a Protestant viewpoint - I was very drawn to Orthodoxy as the natural progression as I became disenchanted with the "Do it yourself - make it up as you go along" approach of Evangelical Protestantism. I could not consider Roman Catholicism because of what I'd heard.....

What about the corrupt priesthood?
What about the infallibility of the Pope?
What about the dogmatic nature of the Roman Catholic hierarchy?

etc. etc.

Then, recently, I had a long discussion with a very enthusiastic, newly confirmed, young Catholic, who gave me a lot of good reasons for trying to look beyond my preconceived notions about the Roman, or Western, Catholic Church.

I also began reading books like "Why I Am A Catholic" by Garry Wills and came across this great observation by G.K. Chesterton:

"When Christ at a symbolic moment was establishing His great society, He chose for its comer-stone neither the brilliant Paul nor the mystic John, but a shuffler, a snob a coward–in a word, a man. And upon this rock He has built His Church, and the gates of Hell have not prevailed against it. All the empires and the kingdoms have failed, because of this inherent and continual weakness, that they were founded by strong men and upon strong men. But this one thing, the historic Christian Church, was founded on a weak man, and for that reason it is indestructible. For no chain is stronger than its weakest link."

- G.K. Chesterton, Heretics, p. 67

So, I'm trying to overcome my long-term affliction of "Romaphobia" and look at the Roman Catholic Church with new eyes - as if I'm finding it for the first time.


LESS THAN PERFECT - MORE THAN HUMAN

As a movement focused on the re-formation and divination of humanity, built on the backs of imperfect humans, it is only natural that the Church has had tragedies and triumphs, because it is a progressing, healing, earth-bound kingdom. Just as the history of the Nation of Israel told in the Old Covenant is full of both good and bad characters, miracles and disasters, joy and suffering, facts and fables, truth and lies - why should we be surprised that the continuation, or fulfillment, of that kingdom would also be full of the same, as it journeys back to "wholeness" - which is another word for "holiness"?

The constant truth of the gospel (the "Good News") is that we are being saved as we are now, not as we should, or will be, so that together we can become much more than just human.

So try to hang on - it's going to be a bumpy ride - I just hope I don't misplace my ticket!!!!!