From Tourist to Pilgrim

      St. Patrick’s Cathedral - New York City, NY

"Where is the line between a tour and a pilgrimage? 
Am I a tourist or a pilgrim?”

- Thomas Howard, "On Being Catholic,” p.169

It started as a vacation; a long weekend in New York City. 

A time for us to share some quality family fun-time. Some theatre, a walk through Central Park, some great food at restaurants like Chez Josephine, a visit to the Museum of Modern Art, to see the fabulous Henri Cartier-Bresson Exhibit and, of course, SHOPPING!!!

But, it became so much more.....

ONE MORNING IN MAY

I love mornings in New York City!

I got up early and went for a walk down 5th Avenue, on a hunt for the nearest Starbucks, (which is usually within a couple of hundred yards of everywhere in NYC!) My wife and daughter meanwhile, enjoyed some “girlie” time together back at the hotel.

It wasn’t long before I saw it - St. Patrick’s Cathedral, a beautiful oasis in the middle of the towering steel and glass of Gotham.

Lots of tourists visit St. Pat’s - and I entered the huge archway entrance as just another one of them, perhaps like many of them, I was also a “lapsed” or “Former Catholic.”  

Mass was going on, even while the tourists hustled and bustled around the perimeter of the sanctuary in a loud hush. You’d think it would be disruptive - but in St. Pat’s there is a presence that overwhelms all, and seems to silence the seemingly perpetual sirens and traffic noise that go on all around.

Some words from the Gospel reading for the day struck me:

"Jesus said to his disciples:

'As the Father loves me, so I also love you.

Remain in my love.

If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love,

just as I have kept my Father’s commandments

and remain in his love.’”

- St. John 15:9-10

"Remain in my love....Remain in HIS love”

When I converted to Orthodoxy back in 2006 - I had made a vow, in earnest:

"This true faith of the Holy Orthodox Church, which I now voluntarily confess and truly hold, I will firmly maintain and confess, whole and in its fullness and integrity, until my last breath, God being my helper. I will teach it and proclaim it, so far as lies within me.  I will strive to fulfill its obligations with zeal and joy, preserving my heart in purity and virtue.  In witness of this, my true and pure-hearted confession, I now kiss the Word and Cross of my Savior, Amen.”

I had not remained in his love. I had betrayed myself and God by my lack of commitment and resolve.

BRAND NEW - OUT OF THE BOX

After Mass was over - I stepped into line at the old-fashioned confessional and made a heart-felt confession to an anonymous Priest behind the screen. Perhaps the most meaningful confession of my life....

I poured out my doubts about God, admitted my deepest atheistic thoughts, declared my utter disgust with the actions and crimes of those who called themselves Fathers in the Catholic Church, and I confessed the blasphemies that I had hurled against the one who loved me....

I stepped out of the Confessional as a renewed man....I had entered the Cathedral as a tourist and left as a pilgrim.

The rest of the vacation was more than I’d hoped for...it couldn’t have been better.

THE PRODIGAL RETURNS

When I returned home I attended Mass at St. Columban, where I had first been received into full communion with the Catholic faith. I hadn’t entered the doors in almost two years. But when Fr. Larry saw me - he gave me the biggest hug - no judgement, no condemnation, or even uncomfortable questions, .... instead he offered a friendly embrace. I felt like the lost son in the Parable, returning to the waiting arms of the loving father. Truly poignant for me. 

I was home at last.....again.